Manage, Contemplate, Evaluate

People often fall into a habit of assigning moral value to their thoughts and feelings. We say:

“I’m a horrible person for thinking this way,” and “I shouldn’t feel this way, I’m over reacting.” The truth is we have very little control of our thoughts and emotions. When we feel thoughts or feelings are bad, immoral, or invalid we avoid them. Usually this act of avoidance makes the feelings and thoughts more powerful.  Thoughts and feelings do not make you a good or bad person. They simply are what they are. They are morally neutral. 

In therapy, I help clients accept their negative emotions and thoughts. Accepting does not necessarily mean liking or enjoying. There are times where we work to accept difficult, painful thoughts and feelings in order to cope with them. My approach is to manage, contemplate, and Evaluate. 

Manage emotions -  feelings are the limbic and autonomic nervous systems response to stimuli. They are felt and understood within the physical body. Your heart may race when you are scared or nervous. Your stomach may sink because you are sad. You may feel light and airy when happy and joyous. The goal is to acknowledge and feel emotions, but also manage them so we don’t fee overwhelmed or debilitated by them. I teach clients to develop and use coping skills so they can address their feelings so they don’t take over. 

Contemplate thoughts - Thoughts are complicated and vast conscious cognitive processes. They can be spontaneous, invasive, encouraging, positive, or negative. They can help us make sense of emotions or lead us further into anxiety and despair. Many therapies focus on if thoughts are true. This gets complicated. Truth is relative and what may be true in one context could be false in another. I support clients engage with their thoughts and contemplate if they are helpful or unhelpful. Some thoughts support us in moving closer to our values. Others lead us further away. Some thoughts deserve engagement, and some are best left to float out of our heads without attention. 

Evaluate actions - actions do have moral value. We act in ways that bring us closer to or further away from our values. We act in ways that are kind and supportive of others or are hurtful and problematic. We can evaluate these actions. Evaluation has to happen hand in hand with compassion. We can hold space for the context and circumstances behind the action while still taking accountability.