Perfectionism, Self-Worth, and Eating Disorders
Eating disorders are never just an eating disorder. While food restriction is one part of the problem, and often the primary reason my clients seek therapy, it is usually wrapped up with other issues, and perfectionism is a big one.
Perfectionism can take its roots early. Some of my clients, looking back, realize they began focusing on academic achievement once they started school. Students who are excelling academically, are studious, polite, and quiet tend to get rewarded with affirmations. Beyond that they are often given responsibility. Many of my clients reflect on the times they were placed next to other children in seating charts with the expectation that they will help them catch up or better follow expected classroom behavior like focusing and not speaking out of turn.
Validation feels really good, and it’s normal to want it. Validating a child isn’t a bad thing, but our culture is not good at teaching children that their worth is inherent. When children get the message that their worth is dependent on validation - and validation comes from achievement - over-achieving and perfectionism take root.
My clients and I usually spend some time getting curious if, even with every achievement they ever had, they ever felt like enough. And usually they don’t. The emotional bump they received from being validated for their accomplishments doesn’t last, and they have to keep pushing harder and harder. The pool of people they are competing against grows. Children labeled gifted end up in gifted child programs. They apply to competitive colleges and pursue competitive careers. It becomes harder to stand out so they have to keep working harder.
It’s easy for an eating disorder to take root for a few reasons. One because, much like in school, the validation is immediate and clear. Hard work on a paper earns you an A. Restrictive eating leads to a reduction on the scale. When it becomes harder to feel good enough in academic or work performance, restricting food and shrinking the body becomes a stand in. On top of that, our society has a lot of expectations around what a perfect body should look like - and that body is a small body.
In therapy I help my clients let go of perfectionism. I help them see that they are enough and they always will. When achievement becomes a choice and not a requirement based on self worth, we can start making decisions based on values.
If you’re ready to stop eating disorder behavior and live a values based life, contact me for a free consultation today.
